gosh, this hurts like crazy...
can't stand it anymore....
why GOD!?!?!
last weekend, i was too hungry
while i was helping prepared meal...
i can't wait to eat.
finally at the time that i get to eat,
i bitted my mouth.
i left two holes in my mouth
then, my nightmare began......
it hurts .... in a way that i can't stand anymore
so, someone told me to use salt,
yes, salt...
very crazy, i must out of my mind.
one of the painfullest thing in the Earth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IT HURT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the pain feeling went all over my head
from my mouth to my mind..
my face turned all red
and.........
i tried for like three, four times
cause i really want it to heal or at least make me feel numb, so i can't feel hurt when i eat or drink
but
i now i am still hurting, even though i didn't do anything
just typing
it hurt
so i praise God,
like what i did when i tired to put salt on my mouth.
God, please
heal ME!
like right now
because You are good
and I love u
put my two midterm in Your hand as well
help me focus, stop my pain
love You
2008年2月26日星期二
Another new day that God created; i woke up with swollen and dry eyes.
My eyes can barely open and my heart is empty.
"again," i thought
my heart started filled with anger.
last night, i was pain all over my heart and mind.
i cried so hard, and felt helpless.
i have no idea, all i did is denied myself and became negative again.
i tried so hard to not to fall into darkness again.
Praise the Lord, Yusuke was on the phone, he kept telling me how much God loves me and He didn't die for nothing.
it milted my heart, so i cried harder.
till i have head ached.
so i talked to May till 5 in the morning.
we shared, we tried to understand each other, and we have talked for the longest time since i met her.
i know, God changed something between may and i.
and i know, even though we have to go though this painful way to reach where we are right now, but God is always there and watching over us.
I was broken last night, i cried and cried.
till a point i want to stop but i can't.
so i started pray, i asked God why He allow this happened?
and why me??
then God showed me, Jesus been though all these.
God used May asked me, isn't that i want to become a leader?
and i asked myself,
can i handle more?
its gonna get worse when i become a leader.
and i thought about how Jesus been go thoguh.
He must feel the same way as i do.
feel depression, don't know what to do, sadness, being misunderstanding, no one want to listen to Him, even kill Him.
but devil has played my emotion.
i still have great anger inside of me
i felt like, why me again?
so you didn't do anything wrong? and u always perfect?
different people from different back ground, there's nothing to be compare with.
we are all in the same stage, we are all learning, so how dare u say that to me?
i never tell people what to do or try to change them, because only God can.
who are you that can tell me what to do ?
what now? you think you are old enough to deal with your peers?
i didn't say anything or do anything doesn't mean i am not MEAN enough to do
becasue i know
i am different ..
from my past.
i want to stop all that retaliate actions that i used love to do.
yes, i am different
yes, stop thinking
then i fall sleep.
till today.
so back to the beginning, where my eyes still dry and ugly.
i have anger inside of me still
and i can feel it grow bigger ..
i don't want to forgive, and i want to do something to hurt whoever hurts me
i tried so hard and i even give up myself
just to please you?
but God is amazing.
there is the difference between the people who love God and the people who don't know God.
God changed me already.
at the afternoon.
God treated me mango, made me feel much better
and started putting lots praising songs in my mind.
non stop, so i got my i pod and started singing while i walked back to my dorm
i sing and people looked at me funny or weird.
but i don't care.
because i love Him
and He wanted to cheer me up.
after all.
God started sending angels around me
talked to me, cared about me
He want me to know i am not alone
and
my heart got soft and started crying again while i was talking to Jack.
so i finally got released by what Jack told me.
funny, i can always obey whatever Jack told me.
and devil know that, so before Jack reply, i don't feel want to talk to him at all
but then, thank God, Jack you talk to me
so, i feel much better.. with God's love and family, friends warm caring and supporting.
so much love
and..
i still remember the sermon i heard from few weeks before.
Don't listen to the voice of criticism, doubt, limitation, and selfishness.
Only listen to the voice of faith.
My eyes can barely open and my heart is empty.
"again," i thought
my heart started filled with anger.
last night, i was pain all over my heart and mind.
i cried so hard, and felt helpless.
i have no idea, all i did is denied myself and became negative again.
i tried so hard to not to fall into darkness again.
Praise the Lord, Yusuke was on the phone, he kept telling me how much God loves me and He didn't die for nothing.
it milted my heart, so i cried harder.
till i have head ached.
so i talked to May till 5 in the morning.
we shared, we tried to understand each other, and we have talked for the longest time since i met her.
i know, God changed something between may and i.
and i know, even though we have to go though this painful way to reach where we are right now, but God is always there and watching over us.
I was broken last night, i cried and cried.
till a point i want to stop but i can't.
so i started pray, i asked God why He allow this happened?
and why me??
then God showed me, Jesus been though all these.
God used May asked me, isn't that i want to become a leader?
and i asked myself,
can i handle more?
its gonna get worse when i become a leader.
and i thought about how Jesus been go thoguh.
He must feel the same way as i do.
feel depression, don't know what to do, sadness, being misunderstanding, no one want to listen to Him, even kill Him.
but devil has played my emotion.
i still have great anger inside of me
i felt like, why me again?
so you didn't do anything wrong? and u always perfect?
different people from different back ground, there's nothing to be compare with.
we are all in the same stage, we are all learning, so how dare u say that to me?
i never tell people what to do or try to change them, because only God can.
who are you that can tell me what to do ?
what now? you think you are old enough to deal with your peers?
i didn't say anything or do anything doesn't mean i am not MEAN enough to do
becasue i know
i am different ..
from my past.
i want to stop all that retaliate actions that i used love to do.
yes, i am different
yes, stop thinking
then i fall sleep.
till today.
so back to the beginning, where my eyes still dry and ugly.
i have anger inside of me still
and i can feel it grow bigger ..
i don't want to forgive, and i want to do something to hurt whoever hurts me
i tried so hard and i even give up myself
just to please you?
but God is amazing.
there is the difference between the people who love God and the people who don't know God.
God changed me already.
at the afternoon.
God treated me mango, made me feel much better
and started putting lots praising songs in my mind.
non stop, so i got my i pod and started singing while i walked back to my dorm
i sing and people looked at me funny or weird.
but i don't care.
because i love Him
and He wanted to cheer me up.
after all.
God started sending angels around me
talked to me, cared about me
He want me to know i am not alone
and
my heart got soft and started crying again while i was talking to Jack.
so i finally got released by what Jack told me.
funny, i can always obey whatever Jack told me.
and devil know that, so before Jack reply, i don't feel want to talk to him at all
but then, thank God, Jack you talk to me
so, i feel much better.. with God's love and family, friends warm caring and supporting.
so much love
and..
i still remember the sermon i heard from few weeks before.
Don't listen to the voice of criticism, doubt, limitation, and selfishness.
Only listen to the voice of faith.
only been few weeks, how can i forget all these?
see, i got played by my mind and devil.
but, God is greater than these things.
FOCUS on the right thing.
I need to reestablish my mind and life, let God control over my emotion and decisions.
and something very interesting that one of my friend Andy have told me:
"that's why they say, friends are just like the sand in your swiming suit"
kinda funny, he said he heard this from last Sunday.
God, You always use different ways to comfort us don't You?
anyhow, i know i am still in the learning process, where God is still dealing with my darkness, and my mind.
Change for the better, i guess i am in the loading ....57%
prayer prayer prayer
i need to start fast and pray early in the morning
stand still
and have party about all things that happened.
cause You love me still
PS. Thank you Jasmin, Timu, Jack, May, Yusuke, mommy, Howard, Amy, Frank, Joy, and school friends.
Special Thanks to Jesus.
because You are good
標籤： fatih, God's love, lost, my family, new life, sharing, why?
posted by *+ tIfFa <3 ChRiSt +* at 上午 12:51
| 4 comments
| 4 comments
2008年2月12日星期二
so, as the time goes by.. i can feel the stress on me is getting heavier
bad grammar still.. no faith on myself at all..
but i know.. i need to ask God for help
anyhow
this is what i want to share today.
today, i say thank you to a men who's hired for clearing the road.
God told me to do it.
at first i was struggling because i think its stupid to do it
but..
its not
i enjoy the surprising smile
"thank you" i said
"uh.. what?" he reply
"thank you"i said
"you're welcome" he smile
so cute
God just love everyone He created.
and when people are appreciate at one and other
He's happy too..
He just want me to show His love to that men
and i just like to say thank you
sample but powerful
can make other people's day
i say thank you to the people who wash our dishes.
and the people who serve me
and i always have time to open door, pick stuff up and earn other's thanks.
i love it
because i can see smiles and smile back..
for my class today was fun.
lots games that i have learned from my acting class..
i can just play in different events that Impact have
so much fun
and
i just love God
no time for emo or anger
so yea
i want to be more like u
and lovable
thank You JESUS
bad grammar still.. no faith on myself at all..
but i know.. i need to ask God for help
anyhow
this is what i want to share today.
today, i say thank you to a men who's hired for clearing the road.
God told me to do it.
at first i was struggling because i think its stupid to do it
but..
its not
i enjoy the surprising smile
"thank you" i said
"uh.. what?" he reply
"thank you"i said
"you're welcome" he smile
so cute
God just love everyone He created.
and when people are appreciate at one and other
He's happy too..
He just want me to show His love to that men
and i just like to say thank you
sample but powerful
can make other people's day
i say thank you to the people who wash our dishes.
and the people who serve me
and i always have time to open door, pick stuff up and earn other's thanks.
i love it
because i can see smiles and smile back..
for my class today was fun.
lots games that i have learned from my acting class..
i can just play in different events that Impact have
so much fun
and
i just love God
no time for emo or anger
so yea
i want to be more like u
and lovable
thank You JESUS
標籤： God's love, sharing
posted by *+ tIfFa <3 ChRiSt +* at 下午 10:50 | 3 comments
| 3 comments
2008年2月11日星期一
in my life, lots up and down.
like this time.
very down. have nothing else to do, but pray.
feel betray, madness, sad, depress...etc.
man, shut up emo.
i should be happy today.
because i am still alive, and God still love me as who i am
and i praise so hard tonight
what else?
i mean...God, thank You for putting Sarah, Alice, and their whole family in my life.
they are so sweet and supportive.
feel so much love and understanding from them
warm and lovely.
God just want me to learn as much as i can in different difficult time.
and.. i should dry all the tears away
i am tired
of all these drama thing
and the hurt feeling.
i just want it to stop
and..
just no more being Ms. nice
because they are not see me as friends.
i will just be someone they know
and answer their questions.
that's all
my eyes are dry again
its okay
its gonna be alright
next semester
i will be better.
i will pray
i will hope
its okay
hope u guys will be happy
and get along
bfs.
i am just a person who passing by
no need worry or care
i am me
no more denied and changing
because i can be me again
don't need to try to fit in
my God accept me and want me to learn
so i obey
and i want to be happy
okay
i am done talking today
tired
God bless you all
sleeping time =]
like this time.
very down. have nothing else to do, but pray.
feel betray, madness, sad, depress...etc.
man, shut up emo.
i should be happy today.
because i am still alive, and God still love me as who i am
and i praise so hard tonight
what else?
i mean...God, thank You for putting Sarah, Alice, and their whole family in my life.
they are so sweet and supportive.
feel so much love and understanding from them
warm and lovely.
God just want me to learn as much as i can in different difficult time.
and.. i should dry all the tears away
i am tired
of all these drama thing
and the hurt feeling.
i just want it to stop
and..
just no more being Ms. nice
because they are not see me as friends.
i will just be someone they know
and answer their questions.
that's all
my eyes are dry again
its okay
its gonna be alright
next semester
i will be better.
i will pray
i will hope
its okay
hope u guys will be happy
and get along
bfs.
i am just a person who passing by
no need worry or care
i am me
no more denied and changing
because i can be me again
don't need to try to fit in
my God accept me and want me to learn
so i obey
and i want to be happy
okay
i am done talking today
tired
God bless you all
sleeping time =]
posted by *+ tIfFa <3 ChRiSt +* at 上午 12:31 | 2 comments
| 2 comments
2008年2月6日星期三
so crazy, my God is so crazy.
I found out something that God has put on me...
a new "skill"... wow..
i can feel or hear things from God before it happen..
and it happened few times within this week already
which you can see in blog...
and i felt it again.
today is Chinese new year eve
and then...
i got to stay in Long Beach, because i have class tomorrow.
and then Steph and May got to go home.
so i went to eat alone.
but God love me so much He let me know this before it happen
i was in my last class, i was filled by holy spirit..
i can felt it, the warm feeling flow from head to toe.
after all, God gave me a feeling about that May is going home and she's going to call me and tell me about it.
(because she wasn't sure if she's going home because she's sick.)
then i got her voice mail about she's going home with steph and steven.
and because i have class till 4.30 so they are not going to wait for me
which is only 30 mins later
but anyhow, i got a chance to go out with my RA
we went to bought text books, and i got to ate dinner with her
(Thank God i wasn't alone, that made me felt better)
so anyhow, i got to know her better and i bought a 2 dollars instant noodle bowl.
Japanese style, good but fat
so what.. i got to make myself feel better right?
ha
awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
lots text to read
but feel okay
cause God gave me a great gift!
i can feel or hear things before it happen
Thank YOU JESUS!
I found out something that God has put on me...
a new "skill"... wow..
i can feel or hear things from God before it happen..
and it happened few times within this week already
which you can see in blog...
and i felt it again.
today is Chinese new year eve
and then...
i got to stay in Long Beach, because i have class tomorrow.
and then Steph and May got to go home.
so i went to eat alone.
but God love me so much He let me know this before it happen
i was in my last class, i was filled by holy spirit..
i can felt it, the warm feeling flow from head to toe.
after all, God gave me a feeling about that May is going home and she's going to call me and tell me about it.
(because she wasn't sure if she's going home because she's sick.)
then i got her voice mail about she's going home with steph and steven.
and because i have class till 4.30 so they are not going to wait for me
which is only 30 mins later
but anyhow, i got a chance to go out with my RA
we went to bought text books, and i got to ate dinner with her
(Thank God i wasn't alone, that made me felt better)
so anyhow, i got to know her better and i bought a 2 dollars instant noodle bowl.
Japanese style, good but fat
so what.. i got to make myself feel better right?
ha
awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
lots text to read
but feel okay
cause God gave me a great gift!
i can feel or hear things before it happen
Thank YOU JESUS!
posted by *+ tIfFa <3 ChRiSt +* at 下午 9:01 | 2 comments
| 2 comments
2008年2月5日星期二
God, You are always on time.
Thank You and praise You for that...
hey, anyone really reading my blog?
i tried to record everything that's amazing in my life....
didn't see some response like before
humm
its okay..
i just write for God ...
anyhow, as today, i was worry about my finical money is not coming in, which i have two more text to buy.
And i was waiting for my sociology text still...
worry and worry just running on my head.
and today is the first day i started fast meat, tried to worship wherever i go..
and somehow lots worries just hit my head..
i have no control at all....
so after class, i was wondering around, saw the price of the two text, my heart was like dropped down... to very deep hole..
i have no idea where the money is coming from.. since my mom said bank doesn't content as much money as we need.
somehow, i went to financial office to asked about my check.
while i wait in the line, a voice told me, " have you check your dorm mail box?"
i was shock ... cause i haven't.
but still... i used my little human head to think about this.
No, i said to God, because i changed my mailing address to Bakersfield before winter break.
its not possible for them to mail here...
so God said, "fine, then you keep waiting then."
During that time, God give me a feeling about that both text and check are here already.
but i wasn't sure.
so i kept waiting till i started complain.
the line is long, and took so long.
God was like, "i told u"
then i finally got to speak with the guy..
he asked me if i am sure that i didn't get it
so i asked him if its mail to Bakersfield.
which all you know, its in my dorm mail box.
and its true
both my TEXT and CHECK is here!!!!!!!
so happy
for awhile
then i started worry again
i hate it!!!!!
go away!
man..
i think i hurt my mom by not trust her with money
cause i called her and asked for about last check i got from school
all gone...
for family issues
still i really hope i can save some money
i feel no secure at all
and i didn't mean to hurt
ANYONE
GOd... please
i know You love me
please provide me a JOB!
i need it so bad.
awwwwwwwww
Thank You
Thank You and praise You for that...
hey, anyone really reading my blog?
i tried to record everything that's amazing in my life....
didn't see some response like before
humm
its okay..
i just write for God ...
anyhow, as today, i was worry about my finical money is not coming in, which i have two more text to buy.
And i was waiting for my sociology text still...
worry and worry just running on my head.
and today is the first day i started fast meat, tried to worship wherever i go..
and somehow lots worries just hit my head..
i have no control at all....
so after class, i was wondering around, saw the price of the two text, my heart was like dropped down... to very deep hole..
i have no idea where the money is coming from.. since my mom said bank doesn't content as much money as we need.
somehow, i went to financial office to asked about my check.
while i wait in the line, a voice told me, " have you check your dorm mail box?"
i was shock ... cause i haven't.
but still... i used my little human head to think about this.
No, i said to God, because i changed my mailing address to Bakersfield before winter break.
its not possible for them to mail here...
so God said, "fine, then you keep waiting then."
During that time, God give me a feeling about that both text and check are here already.
but i wasn't sure.
so i kept waiting till i started complain.
the line is long, and took so long.
God was like, "i told u"
then i finally got to speak with the guy..
he asked me if i am sure that i didn't get it
so i asked him if its mail to Bakersfield.
which all you know, its in my dorm mail box.
and its true
both my TEXT and CHECK is here!!!!!!!
so happy
for awhile
then i started worry again
i hate it!!!!!
go away!
man..
i think i hurt my mom by not trust her with money
cause i called her and asked for about last check i got from school
all gone...
for family issues
still i really hope i can save some money
i feel no secure at all
and i didn't mean to hurt
ANYONE
GOd... please
i know You love me
please provide me a JOB!
i need it so bad.
awwwwwwwww
Thank You
標籤： amazing things, experience, God's love, greedy, help, mom thing, Thankful heart, why?, worry
posted by *+ tIfFa <3 ChRiSt +* at 下午 11:31 | 2 comments
| 2 comments
2008年2月1日星期五
okay, where to start?
let's start from this: Thank you John, Sarah, Alice, and Jas who always common on my blog, very courage, and is something that keeps me going.
and then, what i want to share today is that....
God so good!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i want to talk about something God have prepared for me in this semester.
First, i didn't know this semester will cost me that much.
on books alone, my acting class have to cost me almost $90, sociology class cost $120 for text, Anthology cost me $60 for the package, fitness cost $38 + sport shoes(haven't buy yet) + shorts(haven't buy yet)...my Lord, where are these money come from?
so, i pray to God, because i have no idea how i am going to get all these.
and i worried again..
God is always go beyond our minds...A men?
He's too amazing that i have to tell you all about what happened!
for my sociology, there's no way that i can find a cheaper book, not even used around the school book store or the book store near.
so i searched online, which i found on amazon.com that there's a guy who sale it for $82 something + $3.99 shipping fee..
no bad.. but i pray i will get it.. in faith ~
the next one its very cool..
my Anthology teacher have made this package which every students will have to buy, or else we have to find a student that he taught before.
which is very small chance and hard to do.. since our school have lots of students.
i was worry, because other class cost so much already, i really don't want to spend 60 dollars for a package that can't be sell back.
But God open a door for me. after i complain to God and asked for His help..something happened. before my class, i walked to the door saw a flyer says book for sale, with the same teacher and the packet that i need.. for $40 !!!
i called and today i got it!!!!!!!!!!
and i plan to do the same thing after i used it... sell to the next person ~
i was so happy~
but i need more amazing things to happen for my other two class, which now i truly believe something will just pop like these two crazy things that God have done for me.
and..
tonight, why i sleep so late?
because is our dorm's casino night...
which we get to gamble with "unreal" money..
and get chances to win some price..
guess what?
when May, Steven, and Steph asked me to lose all my money (because May have to wake up early for work so she want to go back early. In order to do that we will have to lose all our money to get out) i just kept winning.. like crazy..
in beginning i was lose and win .. nothing more.. and nothing less.
but after they wanted me to lose.. i just kept winning..
these two guys who played in the same table with me was kinda envy.
because i have won by getting black jack for 3 times a round.
(yes, yes, i played black jack)
i even told dealer that i am trying to lose all the money, and these guys just told me to give them money, but i didn't..
dealer said i shouldn't because first, they came for meet with some pretty girls like me, (shy.. i am not ha) and second, they are too chicken to bet 100 like me..
i was happy though.. hahha even though it came from a "old" men..
anyway..
guess what?
i ended up with seven raffle tickets ..
and
i won a gift card for OLD NAVY!!!!!!!!!!!!
wakakaka..
$15!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A free gift from God!!!!!!!
New YEAR gift ~~~~~~~ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
God, You are too cool..
man..
i love You so much ai~
so yea..
just share my happiness~
let's start from this: Thank you John, Sarah, Alice, and Jas who always common on my blog, very courage, and is something that keeps me going.
and then, what i want to share today is that....
God so good!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i want to talk about something God have prepared for me in this semester.
First, i didn't know this semester will cost me that much.
on books alone, my acting class have to cost me almost $90, sociology class cost $120 for text, Anthology cost me $60 for the package, fitness cost $38 + sport shoes(haven't buy yet) + shorts(haven't buy yet)...my Lord, where are these money come from?
so, i pray to God, because i have no idea how i am going to get all these.
and i worried again..
God is always go beyond our minds...A men?
He's too amazing that i have to tell you all about what happened!
for my sociology, there's no way that i can find a cheaper book, not even used around the school book store or the book store near.
so i searched online, which i found on amazon.com that there's a guy who sale it for $82 something + $3.99 shipping fee..
no bad.. but i pray i will get it.. in faith ~
the next one its very cool..
my Anthology teacher have made this package which every students will have to buy, or else we have to find a student that he taught before.
which is very small chance and hard to do.. since our school have lots of students.
i was worry, because other class cost so much already, i really don't want to spend 60 dollars for a package that can't be sell back.
But God open a door for me. after i complain to God and asked for His help..something happened. before my class, i walked to the door saw a flyer says book for sale, with the same teacher and the packet that i need.. for $40 !!!
i called and today i got it!!!!!!!!!!
and i plan to do the same thing after i used it... sell to the next person ~
i was so happy~
but i need more amazing things to happen for my other two class, which now i truly believe something will just pop like these two crazy things that God have done for me.
and..
tonight, why i sleep so late?
because is our dorm's casino night...
which we get to gamble with "unreal" money..
and get chances to win some price..
guess what?
when May, Steven, and Steph asked me to lose all my money (because May have to wake up early for work so she want to go back early. In order to do that we will have to lose all our money to get out) i just kept winning.. like crazy..
in beginning i was lose and win .. nothing more.. and nothing less.
but after they wanted me to lose.. i just kept winning..
these two guys who played in the same table with me was kinda envy.
because i have won by getting black jack for 3 times a round.
(yes, yes, i played black jack)
i even told dealer that i am trying to lose all the money, and these guys just told me to give them money, but i didn't..
dealer said i shouldn't because first, they came for meet with some pretty girls like me, (shy.. i am not ha) and second, they are too chicken to bet 100 like me..
i was happy though.. hahha even though it came from a "old" men..
anyway..
guess what?
i ended up with seven raffle tickets ..
and
i won a gift card for OLD NAVY!!!!!!!!!!!!
wakakaka..
$15!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A free gift from God!!!!!!!
New YEAR gift ~~~~~~~ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
God, You are too cool..
man..
i love You so much ai~
so yea..
just share my happiness~
標籤： amazing things, God's love, love God, sharing
posted by *+ tIfFa <3 ChRiSt +* at 上午 1:12 | 2 comments
| 2 comments