sPoT oF mY hEaRt

bReAktHrOugH in the eNd oF tHe yEaR_
2007年12月17日星期一
this weekend.. suppose, i am going to tell how bad is my weekend...
i was going to complain about my life..

somehow..
God changed everything.. even my attitude is changed..
in the morning i can say.. something big just broke me down..
this is what happened:

this Christmas party was amazing.. but somehow it turns out weird after that night..
mom got confuse and misunderstand about what i have done..
she thought i am careless about her and my brother..
but i was busy with the drama and music..
so i really don't know why she got so mad..
i was so depress.. i don't know what to do ..
she won't listen to whatever i tried to say..
it all started with my brother but somehow i don't know why the arrow turned to me..
i am the one who want to spend with her.. the one who miss her the most..
and i want to let her stay with me longer..
but all she thought is in negative side..

i cried so much this weekend.. like crazy..
but thank God.. my eyes is still pretty and big.. >///< style="color: rgb(255, 204, 0);">i was asking him about if i am one of the hindrance that he can't be more close with God..
and the one who he been spend lots time with..
he said sort of....

so i asked him.. should we take a break.. like ... spared for awhile..
because i really don't want us become that hindrance between God and us..
and he asked me will i feel sad for long time if we really did..
i said yes.. then he said then that's no point..
too sad.. will only focus on tears, and ourselves..
why don't we grow together..

i agree

and we did see the blessing that God has pull down..
such as my mom and his mom become better friends..
and he said its time that we should focus on God more and more
also, he want us to have to praying time back again
somehow the topic turned to be about my personalities,

and it became a very serious topic to talk about..
he told me he been view me as a friend or someone he don't know that well..
and he saw the way that i talked, treated my friends..
he told me the reasons why lots of people who were very close to me,
but after awhile, they just have no more connection or just few connection with me
its been a problem..
so he told me that..
is my weakness, i like to telling jokes, but sometimes too much
i hurt people..
yes i care lots of them and really put love on them
but still.. i always don't look at myself..
but always look at others' problems..
which is bad..
and i really don't want to see myself be like this anymore
i really want some true best friends..
tired to be alone.
tired to be so "strong" like i can do everything.

i am so little..
i am so childish..
if he and Paul didn't remind me of all these..
i might still think its just my bad luck that i can't get any best friends in my life.

i heard all these, i was broken down..
cried so hard..
felt like loser, a frailer..
spend so much time to build relationships with others..
but always end up "fail"

so i repeat..
so sadly.. slowly.. then finally better..

i want to become a better person, better friend..
i become very humble asked for help
say sorry to the one that i hurt..


if any of you been hurt by my words, actions..
i am very very sorry.
i really do..
please forgive me
give me one more chance to prove that i can do better
and i love you all
thank you for being my friends

i am trying..
to be better..
i am praying..
still breakthrough on my life..
even now is the end of the year.
but..
breakthrough is never enough

thank You God..
let me know why all these happened..
only because You love me so much
You want me to change..
You don't want me to learn in hard way anymore..
You want to see me grow and get better..
God..
please let me know who am i
and teach me more
with Your love

Praise You

love You so much

i learned..
i know is from You..

thank You.


in You..
everyone is winner..

^^because we overcome ourselves..






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posted by *+ tIfFa <3 ChRiSt +* at 上午 2:52 | 6 comments
tHiS wEeKeNd..(HOPE)_
2007年12月11日星期二
God, What can I say more ? You are so amazing!!!
While I was still in the confusion about the law: SB 777..
which is something that I really want to stop for happening next year..

and.. God spoke though Pastor David.. and gave us a "hope" message!!!
Thank You God... always comfort us with Your love..

"Trust the Lord before trust on anything else"

Topic: Goals

Goals decide our attitude; Attitude decide our sense of Joy
Sense of Joy decide our purpose!!

If we don't have strong goals, then we will have no purpose..
Just like the world people.. run and trick others.. but don't know where they are hitting..
can't be like football player without rules or ends..
We have to set up our goals, before we running forward.

God created us as desire of having goals.

Most importantly.. we need to know what's our end zones..
Two most important end zones for the people who love God:
1. Rev. 7: 9-15
2. Rev. 20

when you know these end zones and set it on our life, none of the world things will touch you!
we won't care about world things..!

Seven years before God come back, many people will suffer and in the darkest time ever! But it will be a honer time for churches. Because there will be many and many people will come to Christ!!!

What scares me is that, within 30-50 years all systems (government, educations, and economic) will be control by devil!! >0< The darkest place would be market place..

but what bring me hope and open my eyes is that, even thought the darkest time is coming, but it means the lightest time, and with the biggest power- God is coming back too!!!!

We should start build up another network, a new government, educations, and economic..
it will become a choice for people to choose.. between Dark and light!
we are the Light of the Earth!

Churches need to united together and build up a network .. which is a kingdom of God!!

So, as students, we need to learn as hard as we can, God use our skills to save people!
We have to be better than our peers.. proved that Godly people can do well, too!

God allows to let world systems to help us
but.. DO NOT rely on them...

Use all I have to put on God's kingdom.. and when He comes.. hand over for Him.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

These are so powerful.. its a very powerful message to me..
Also I have experienced God once again during Sunday ..
God remind me again that I have heart of lost souls..
I repent so hard before God.
I confess what I haven't done for Him..
I confess that I always on my comfort zones..
and I confess for my sins..

Pastor David pray for me, and told me that I might not think I know alot, or have many skills.
But God didn't think that.. he told me I will be surprise how much I can influence people's life..
this is very encourage.. because I really don't think I am "something".. and i don't think I have too much to teach others..
But after Pastor David told me this.. I am so touching.. by the way God used me..
Also, he told me that I have to stand up to speak for Hope.. At church, at school, any place!

God is so good..
I am so fill with Holy Spirit
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today, I went to LAX, because one of my friend are going back to Hong Kong.. and He won't come back for long living..
which is very sad.. and he is also one of Yusuke's best friend..
very sad.. and a long day..
before today.. last night.. I found out that I lost one of my eye contact..
so important to me!! I don't know how can that happened
I am so sad and mad about it..
Sarah so faithful.. told me to pray.. it will be fine..
even though I didn't find it at Sarah's house..
but somehow God put peace inside of me..

but now..
I am kinda sad..
I feel like I am a big trouble cost girl
I still have ticket to pay (the one that I got because I didn't wear seat belt) 80!
now I miss my eye contact.. which cost over 100


My mom work so hard.. I don't want her to spend money on my stupid stuff!!
God.. have mercy on me!!
Help!


I am sinning again!


awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww


stop already!








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posted by *+ tIfFa <3 ChRiSt +* at 上午 12:15 | 3 comments
eNvY heArT..oH nO_
2007年12月5日星期三
yes, ENVY.. and yea.. very bad..
God, so weird.. why?
I am so jealous of the rich people..
especially it comes up with non-Christan ..

Sometimes I wonder why... it seems like "more" Christan have financial problem..
and non-Christan are higher income..
I don't know.. maybe because that's what I have saw..
and I know there are lots rich Christan as well..
it just that..

hummmmmmmm

after check on one of my non-Christan's space..
I felt so .. envy and tired of being poor.
why? I wonder so hard..
why? I grown in a family which I have to worry about money all the time..
and she.. never have to worry..
the only time she worry about money is when she don't have enough money to buy some name brand bag..
and.. I don't really spend money on my daily based.. but still ..
I am young girl.. I would like to buy some pretty things to wear, to look good.
I just don't get it!!!!!!

why she get to go to lots countries and have fun..
don't have to worry about money or school?
why she get to go to these places shopping all she want..
and seems like no limit of it?
why she so young and get to enjoy all these..
and never have to suffer with money issues?


I know, I know I am being so.. envy now..
and I know after she grow up older.. she will suffer with dealing her "wants" too.
but maybe her family will just support her whole life.. and still rich..
awww
hate to think about these kinda things

I am not so into name brand and all that..
and I am not so into world things like them..

But I just can't stand that when I have to wait and being so careful about every dollar I spend..
others can just buy something that I never can buy in my age...
get to do something I want to do so bad..

I feel so .. cheap..
when the time that comes with the stuff that I want and after I share with others..
they will always be like.. "Oh.. that's very cheap.. why don't you just buy it?"
but in my eyes.. they are not cheap..
it made me feel like I am so stingy..
and because of my family income.. I don't get to buy the thing that I want..
the environment that my mom can provided are only limit for "ON SALE" stuff..
and I agree that we can always find great stuff in cheap price too..
I will always think that my mom don't even get to buy something
so I shouldn't spend too much..

but my brother can just spend without thinking.
so as others..
they are wealthy.. they don't care..

This kinda self talk .. its been annoy me..
sometimes I am okay with what I have.. or even happy
but sometimes I just can't help..

everything that people think is cheap or okay price
its not okay with me..
and I will always think it too much..


sounds like I am from country or something..


God, why?
why our family can't be wealthy?
not the time yet?
or we are not following Your way?

God, why?
why I feel this way?
because I am not close enough to You?
or because I am just greed?

God, why?
why non-Christan seems more wealthy and enjoy their life
and we are suffer with money issues?


Maybe..I am just too envy..
I have an envy heart..


take away please..
I don't want to sinning anymore God..


Still praise You..

Thank You Lord..

please answer my wonder..



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posted by *+ tIfFa <3 ChRiSt +* at 下午 1:15 | 3 comments
wOrshIp tImE iS bAcK 2 mY lIfE_
2007年12月4日星期二
">
Wonderful God...place spirit hunger in my heart once again.
Today, I worship Him for almost a hour..
the first time, i felt God's present in my dorm room.
I started repeated and cried out to God..

I started with hillsong's "with All I am", my hands felt heat, and tears falling..
been so long.. i need God's touch.. and love
so i started worship and pray in tongue for school, for myself..
and i bow down when i am listened to "beautiful God"...
When I heard planetshakers' I am not ashamed.
I started dance like crazy. I felt so free in Him..

the song that touched me the most is.. fall in this place..

yes.. God take me deeper..
to a place only me and You..
Holy Spirit, I want more and more of You..

Thank You Jesus..

feel so good.. ^^


---------------------------------------------------------------------

about the date with God..
i didn't go .. cause the garden is close..= =
but then i still pray and read Bible in my room...
still good..
but i am not that concentrate.. ahhaa.. that's kinda bad
cause of internet!!
God.. forgive me ai



like Yusuke said..
there's not time for us to sinning..
alot of times, we just think that..
God's mercy is like a tap..
whenever we want or need.. it will just fall..
but no...
God is willing to forgive us because of His love..
Not because we can waste it..


so..
time to get up..
no more sinning.. or lazy..
no more reasons to worry or do anything that will not depend on God..


So...
Thank You God..



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posted by *+ tIfFa <3 ChRiSt +* at 下午 9:10 | 1 comments
wEiRd, why?_
2007年12月2日星期日
I feel weird..why?
I feel like i am not myself why?
I feel i am kinda far from God why?
I feel so much stress fall upon me again why?
I feel like to run away why?

lots why ... running around my mind.. i am not sure if i can take this anymore..

its been long time, haven't feel like this..
maybe because i am not running that fast.. so i am falling behind?
or maybe because i am sinning so God is not near me anymore?

I want to cry.. but i can't..
i guess people will have this moment.. everyone of us..
or maybe just only me..

don't ask me why i am so hard to deal with my emotion..
don't ask me why i get mad so easy..
don't ask me if i am good person or not.
don't tell me if i am just normal little ugly girl..

i don't know..
i really don't know what i am doing..
why i am in college
or even why i feel so tired of all these..

i don't know
i really don't know why i feel this way
and why i can't rest well
or even can't not do well on anything..


and i mean ANYTHING>.

i guess..

i am just..

not doing right.. all the time

i guess..

i am just

not worth to be understand sometimes..

God, You here?

Hello?

do You still there for me?

i feel kinda hurt..
and tired..

take me away to a better place...
can we date tomorrow?

lets meet at Japanese Garden tomorrow okaY?

please?

i need to see u .. and talk to u ...


thank you..
posted by *+ tIfFa <3 ChRiSt +* at 下午 9:16 | 1 comments